Photograph: Nigel Roddis/Reuters

 Arsenal head to Villa Park

So far then we’ve

1. Identified the weaknesses of Arsenal along with examples.
2. Signed some players to cover those weaknesses
3. Devised some tactical systems to ‘mix it up’ but keep in the Arsenal spirit and philosophy of playing attractive football. I’m not exaggerating when I say that my teams on Football Manager are based around one principle: outscoring the opposition. That doesn’t mean having a shoddy defence and leaking goals in the quest forward, it means knowing when to retreat and when to attack.

The Match

Arsenal shape/tactics

Let’s start then, intuitively, with the formations. I chose to keep the 4-2-3-1 shape (which I term ‘narrow’ so I can save the tactical system in-game, 4-2-3-1 already existing obviously), which I will remind you features an attacking troika behind Van Persie who has the ball played to his feet, being the focus of passes up front as the ‘target man’. Fabregas sits in the centre, although he scampers from box to box, and functions as the main playmaker. The idea here as well is that he will arrive late on the edge of the area and lash it at the goal, which worked well in the friendlies preseason. Hazard acts as a forward who cuts inside, using his technique and flair to support play and get the occasional shot away when he can. Wilshere acts as a secondary playmaker advanced up the pitch, involved intimately in attack. Nasri acts as a trequartista, a deep-lying forward with an eye for flair. Vidal functions as a solid ball-winner who will still be involved in the passing game. Sagna and Clichy are given attacking licence as wing-backs. Squillaci gets the nod ahead of Koscielny and Djourou to partner Vermaelen at centre-back.

Lineups and Formations

Villa have the home advantage but take a cautious 4-4-1-1 formation (which we shall remember is one of my ‘prepared’ tactics for a conservative situation). Whilst it looks on paper that the focus will be through the centre, the pace and crossing focus of Ashley Young and Matt Jarvis (nabbed from local rivals Wolves in the summer) will necessitate a wider focus. This shape means they will look to dominate the midfield- so it’s 5 versus 5 in midfield, just distributed differently. I’m happy with this contest and also intrigued- I anticipate their full backs to be quite cautious and merely support the play, which should leave room for manoeuvre with Sagna and Clichy being able to silence Young and Jarvis. Whilst Hazard, Wilshere and Nasri will be involved in wide play, our principle wide players will be Clichy and Sagna, depending on how far I can play them up the pitch.

I expect, therefore, that Villa will sit deep and counter-attack at pace. Therefore, I set Sagna and Clichy to manmark Young and Jarvis tightly- the blessing of this is that my players are as quick- if not quicker- than their wingers. Vidal and Fabregas should help too in this wide battle, although they may be occupied by the bullies of Reo-Coker and Petrov.

Ireland: summer signing to 'replace' James Milner

Stephen Ireland I consider a bit of a tactical misnomer- they will want him to attack the goal more than create opportunities for others. This should play into my central defence than disrupt my midfield game, which I feel is a tactical mistake by the AI.

The result?

As you can see, we dominated the game from the get-go. Possession, shots, we looked like the home side. Our only cagey area was bookings, with Squillaci and Sagna picking up yellow cards- that the Aston Villa attack had no result except to give 2 of our defenders bookings is good enough for me. We also had a much better shooting record- it may be sub-50%, but 5 shots on target and 60% of those resulting in goals is a realistic and good record. It reflected our domination of the game and possession, although as I suggested this may have been Villa’s plan (leave us in possession, steal the ball with Petrov/Reo-Coker and break quickly on the flanks)- which is basically what happened. As we can see here, the possession was firmly stacked in the midfield battle and in the Villa half:

The only area we didn’t excel Villa in was our own half, which is quite good really as it indicates we moved the ball into midfield quickly. This was helped by the central passing focus of our team, although both Clichy and Sagna offered a good wide threat (the former perhaps performing better, I will look at these below):

Arsenal completed passes

As you can see, most of the passing happened in the middle of the park, and most encouragingly most of it forward.  Some sideways passes are necessary in the 4-2-3-1 shape, with the involvement of players from various bands of the formation (for example Clichy surging forward). Importantly as well, there were several passes into the Villa box, and even inside (and you may notice a very long one from the top of the centre circle to the right-hand edge of the penalty area. These diagonal movements were the key to our goal scoring opportunities:

Match up the two diagrams and you can see the assists which led to the goals. As you can see here, these passes into the box were very effective, as compared to shooting slightly from range, here you can see our missed opportunities:

Furthermore, every shot which resulted in a goal was taken with the goal opening to the players’ right.

Next, let’s compare our aggressive shape [including heat map], which functioned higher up the pitch and pinned back Villa:

Here we have ours:

 As you can see, we sit high up the pitch, allowing quicker attacks. The players kept the shape well, with only a small gap between the defence and the midfield, a necessity in modern football (so as that opponents cannot exploit the lines in between). Various substitutions are why this is rendered as having 13 players, with Arshavin having to come on for Nasri (more on that later).

Compare this with Villa’s, and I’ve also included the distances they’ve had to run for illustration: see how much harder the midfield, and Carew up front alone, had to work than the defence who had to sit deep and defend for much of the match.

Now we have the effectiveness and directions of the movement up the pitch and past opponents. We were simply more expressive:

As you can see, this movement occurred all over the pitch, with no one area really getting more than another.

This is compared to the Villa selection below, which not only ran into offside more, but also was confined by all but one to the wide areas of the pitch. Whether this is because of the Villa focus, or because of the winning of the midfield battle is up for debate. It’s also significant that ‘big man’ John Carew made 1 attempt to run past an opponent and was caught offside.

This wide directness was a feature of the play. Let’s compare the distribution of the 2 goalkeepers, Brad Friedel for Villa:

And Frey for Arsenal:

Frey only made 2 passes into the opposition half, and those only marginally within the centre-circle. Friedel meanwhile booted it forward consistently into the midfield battlezone. Frey simply had a better pass-rate because of this, although Friedel was mostly successful despite this longer focus. Because of my colour blindness I can’t tell very well, but I think that Friedel (from the diagram) was more successful when he took Frey’s shorter approach. Friedel was also required to simply make more passes, some out of desperation (out of the pitch) outside of the area, signalling a reliance on passing the ball back to the keeper when pressured.

Midfield Battle/Comparison: Fabregas vs Petrov

The two captains! Both occupy the same position, central midfield. Although there’s little debate over whom is more talented.

Compare their passing style/record:

Petrov passed less, showing he was less involved in play, although most were forward, and this is positive. Fabregas meanwhile moved everywhere, playing sideways, back, out of the defence, forwards. He was the focus of a lot of interceptions, showing he was being marked and targeted. He also picked up an assist for a pass for Hazard’s goal on the 52nd minute.

Were Villa, simply, poor then? They certainly were in their area of focus: look at Petrov’s passes and they show their focus on moving the ball out wide, perhaps the clue as to why they are forward and positive for the most part. Their crossing record was, simply, woeful: check out Young’s ratio:

3 out of 16 completed. Their early crosses were all intercepted or blocked, and crossing successfully from the corner is a different story.

We weren’t that much better in the wide positions- Sagna was silenced and had a pass-rate under 70%:

As you can see, he did better when he stayed in his half or supported the play than when he got up there as a covering winger.

Clichy did better, launching lots of longer efforts down his flank, but this isn’t surprising as he was paired up there with both Fabregas and Hazard (especially the young Belgian forward), whereas Sagna was in tow with both Vidal and Nasri (from the 38 minute onwards, Arshavin, but he had a very poor passing game, see below).

Clichy (left) was, generally, superb.

Here’s Arshavin’s map:

As you can see, the story of the day was a solid defence and a sharp attack overcoming Villa, who had no real tactical answer to my system, except that Walcott and Arshavin were both relatively ineffective, although Walcott came on late and had a mixed final 20, coming on to safeguard RVP’s fitness. Nasri’s injury was not serious.

Next: Spartak Moscow, my first European game with this club

Photograph: Nigel Roddis/Reuters

 Tactical preperation

So it’s still pre-season, and one of the major innovations of this edition of FM must be dealt with: match preparation. Basically, your team can learn and be drilled in up to 3 formations. This means that in a match you can switch tactically and your team won’t unrealistically be perfect or, alternatively, spazz out like a chicken on meth.

So firstly:

4-2-3-1

4-2-3-1 formation, Fabregas set as main playmaker in the team instructions

This is probably now the most prevalent formation in football. The philosophy is that two ‘pivots’ in central midfield give a base for a 3 pronged attack ahead, with a single forward. I’m using a version which does not use traditional wingers, but utilises 3 ‘Attacking midfielders’:

I set one as an inside forward (basically a winger who cuts inside and attacks the goal or supports the other attackers, e.g. Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi: very fashionable). My main candidate for this is Eden Hazard

A Trequartista (basically a deep-lying striker who creates, chances sitting behind the main forward. You can station him higher up the pitch or behind the striker, a.k.a. a number 10: e.g. Alessandro Del Piero, Francesco Totti: very Italian). I propose to use Samir Nasri in this position.

And an Advanced Playmaker, for example, Zinedine Zidane. However, this will not be my principle ‘playmaker’ in the squad, as Fabregas will sit in central midfield and be the main dictator of play and the tempo of the match. This is because Fabregas (see above) is more suited to sitting in the centre of the park than in an advanced position. My main candidate for this is wonderkid Jack Wilshere.

I will shuffle around the instructions of the main forward according to the game, but I intend to mainly play Robin Van Persie and use his wide-ranging skills as a complete forward who plays practically every ‘role’ a forward can- in the air, in the wider positions dragging around defenders, attacking the goal. I set him as my main target man for crosses, playing the ball to his feet principally. This will allow him to pass it or run with the ball rather than head the ball, bringing in the 3 behind.

Importantly as well, I set both Sagna and Clichy as wing-backs. A wing-back can be deployed as a starting position further up the pitch, but I prefer the defensive cover that the pairing sitting deeper provides, as Sagna is a handy tackler. The deployment of both Vidal and Fabregas in the centre means that there is some cover provided to the defence. I instruct that the ball be principally played through the middle so as to go through the double pivots, allowing Sagna and Clichy to run forward with less likelihood of being marked. This formation, overall, fits my team perfectly- everyone functions well within it, but there is one headache:

What to do with Theo Walcott?

Walcott is, effectively, the successor to Thierry Henry. However, unlike Henry, Walcott is often described as not having a ‘footballing brain’. I think this is because of his age, but also because he is very reliant on his pace. However, this is not surprising as he is one of the quickest players in the footballing world. 

Notice that in this game he is treated as a striker first and as a winger second. Also notice that he doesn’t fit into the centre- this is principally because Walcott likes to out pace players on the touchline, cutting inside as he goes and attacking the box. This often results in him taking a shot rather than making the pass. Here, however, he does pass and it was a crucial, well-worked goal which showcases his acceleration, even with the ball. Pace like this, breaking quickly, can rip apart defences especially if their full backs are slow and unresponsive, in this case Aurelio who was caught far up the pitch, and Hypia cannot cover the position and make a red-card foul:

Walcott versus Liverpool

Therefore, I think Walcott is a very useful player- although I have signed Hazard, Walcott is incredibly useful too and should not be dropped. I will primarily keep him on the bench, unless I play a 4-3-3 where I envisage him starting in a front troika.

Other formations

I do consider a 4-6-0 (lining out as a 4-2-4-0, essentially), and I may even switch to this later in the season, but I have kept open two options: a customised 4-3-3, which looks more like 4-3-2-1, but with the ’2′ out wide. This is because I feel Chamakh and Van Persie will not be that useful next to each other as both will compete too much for the ball. Sometimes minimalism helps. I envisage Walcott taking a wide position, possibly being moved forward to the top of the pitch so that he starts very high, receiving the ball and moving past the oppositions’ full backs easier. I like to give him a ‘run-up’ though and this also allows the orchestration of other players into the attack.

My other formation is a very boring 4-4-1-1, which I will use as a makeshift 4-5-1, with the emphasis on us playing further up the pitch. This is a more rigid formation but this should be useful against teams which give my other two formations trouble – the advantage of the ’1′ behind the lone front man is that player can pressurise the opponents’ midfield and bring central midfield players into the game. He will also act as a link man. I can see Nasri, Wilshere or Hazard starting in this position, all of whom possess good creative skills and dribbling. This excellence of technique permeates the squad, however, which you can see illustrated here with ‘tec’ meaning ‘technique’:

We also possess good off-the-ball stats and some extremely creative players, mainly (and perhaps naturally) in the midfield. Arsenal’s squad lends itself, then, to an expressive playing style where the passes are kept on the shorter side- this should allow players to move in and out of play easier, and to pass if they run into trouble, rather than hopelessly kicking it long. I also believe that the pace in this team lends itself to a fast, aggressive style, and this tempo can be adjusted in a match to take advantage of teams: the squad is good enough to play slow and patiently, but also has some fast legs which should be exploited, such as the wing-backs.

Next update, because these are very long and are taking me ages, I will showcase a contest with Aston Villa to show I’m not all-talk.

Photograph: Nigel Roddis/Reuters

http://imgur.com/a/zyW9M#Ii4u9

Image album at imgur.com

Ok, so I arrive at Arsenal (these screenshots were taken 4 games into the season so that I had everything established), with the things in my mind that I identified in the preview.

Transfers and squad strengthening

Firstly, there’s strengthening the squad. I identify several areas we can improve upon:

1) Find cover at left-back: Gael Clichy is a top attacking full-back, but we only really have Kieran Gibbs to fill in. This isn’t that pressing though.

2) Goalkeeper. Almunia is, to use the technical term, a muppet.

Here’s his profile. Basically, he has poor communication, first touch and composure: not great qualities for a top goalkeeper. I therefore identify this as an important area to strengthen, and consider two goalkeepers, both French internationals: Sébastien Frey of Fiorientina, and Hugo Lloris of Lyons. After some bidding, Lloris is clearly out of reach.

Sebastian Frey, here his stats are rendered into a polygon

Frey, however, has a minimum fee release clause of £10.5 million. I have worked with Frey before on football manager 2010 and he’s a great goalkeeper in this game. His main strengths are one-on-ones and general shot stopping. Lloris was being considered because of his good command of the area, and his age allowing development (Frey is 30). I make a bid and sign Frey on a structured deal- if I’d paid out-right this would have halved my budget, but I still have a good sized budget to expand. I then sell 2nd choice keeper Fabianski for £1.2 million and drop Almunia into the substitutes. Should teams get past Arsenal’s defensive line, Frey will be more reliable than Almunia, and his greater eccentricity fits into the general enterprise I want to instil into the team.

At this point I manage a couple of friendlies, winning 7-0 against semi-pro team Boreham Wood and 4-0 against a Dutch league team. This was to test the efficacy of my tactics which I will outline below. From then on I handed control in friendlies to my assistant Pat Rice, to focus on the transfer market.

3) Central-midfield.

Basically, I want a pairing with Fabregas. I already have Abou Diaby, Alex Song and Denilson to choose from within the squad. Unfortunately the latter two are injured, and Diaby is inexperienced. Basically, there needs to be a hardworking foundation to work alongside playmaker Fabregas. Song will return soon but I will still look for another option, after-all there’s nothing stopping me deploying a Song-?-Fabregas axis in the centre. I consider West Ham’s captain Scott Parker, but I’d have to pay around 10.5 million, which is too much for a player my scouts rate as being 3 stars/5. Ideally I want to sign someone like Jeremy Toulalan, also of Lyon (aussi Lloris), but he’s far too pricey. I then stumble upon Arturo Vidal, a Chilean international playing for German team Bayer Leverkusen:

Vidal vs Kaka at the 2010 World Cup

Vidal

He has a sexy work-rate and defensive stats, including a nice technique. This fits the Arsenal ethos perfectly. His determination in the centre of the park should provide an engine on which we can build on in midfield. I secure him for 6 million pounds. His age at 23 also allows decent development, and his penalty taking stat of 18/20 will also come in handy in the big finals we want to reach. His aggression is something to watch, however, and he could be better off-the-ball. This should be helped by him being instructed to be cautious and keeping deep in the formation, meaning he should avoid their defensive midfielders who could disrupt his play.

4) Attacking midfield/wing

Now this seems like the last area Arsenal should expand, with options like Nasri, Walcott, Jack Wilshere, Fabregas, Diaby, Tomas Rosicky and Andrey Arshavin, but basically I want to sign one player: Eden Hazard of LOSC Lille. Not only will this prevent rival teams like Manchester City, Manchester United, Liverpool and Chelsea from signing him, but it will also give us a pacey option who knows how to link play. He will also provide cover for the crocked attack. Should I choose to be a maverick and try a strikerless formation, Hazard could play an important role.

Warning: he's a Hazard to defences

However, I pay a lot of money for him, although a large chunk of that is in add-ons. I still have 5 million to spend, but without selling players I don’t see me expanding much more, this is despite:

5) Central-Defence

Basically, I don’t trust Koscielny and Squillaci. Squillaci is more experienced and will get the nod ahead of Laurent, but I don’t really want to be in a situation where I’m playing against someone like Barcelona with K&S (for short) if Vermaelen picks up his annual injury. What is it with Arsenal and injuries. I look at Fulham’s Brede Hangeland, but Chelsea nab him for 8 million, 3 past my maximum. I have Wellington Silva, a promising defender, arriving later in the season thanks to Wenger’s transfer activities, but he is not a long-term solution. However, all things considered, I do have Johan Djourou and I could play Song at the back. If desperate I could move someone like Sagna into the centre or bring back Vidal, but this is pushing it. Brilliant.

Still, the squad is stronger than when I arrived- this is important, and it will shape my tactics to come, which you can see in the next update, plus a full analysis of our first major game away against Aston Villa.

Photograph: Nigel Roddis/Reuters

Welcome to my new Football Manager 2011 blog. I’ve already done something like this before, but for humorous purposes called Charles Dickens, Football Manager. This is a more serious take. I will focus on tactics, formations, and the more technical aspects of the beautiful game.

Introduction

Basically, Arsenal have just almost certainly thrown away the title, and now face a 6th trophyless season, which is incredible for a club of its stature. Arsene Wenger always talks of his young talents being ‘ready’ pre-season, but clearly they have not been and in-fact in the above article Wenger admits the errors of his ways.

Problems I identify with Arsenal, almost perfectly showcased in the Bolton 2-1 Arsenal game (see minute-by-minute report @ The Guardian):

1) Defensive frailty. This season, defensive midfielder Alex Song has visibly moved further up the pitch. This

He also has silly hair

could be considered a progressive change in Arsene Wenger’s tactical system: by moving the ‘cog’ of Song further up the pitch, Arsenal should be able to press further up and put less pressure on their defence. The signings of Laurent Koscielny and Sebastien Squillaci have been ineffective. On FM2011, the medium for this experiment, they are represented with nigh-on identical stats. This reveals that Arsene Wenger essentially wanted a no-nonsense, no-frills centre-back, and signed both Koscielny and Squillaci to pair up with former Ajax captain and Belgian international Thomas Vermaelen, who has been kept out for some time with an achilles injury, putting pressure on both new signings to gel quickly. This is very anti-Arsenal, whose strategy has been to purchase young, exciting footballers and to mould them together into a team. And without Song providing as much cover, this perhaps gives an intuitive clue as to why Arsenal have looked far more ‘frail’ (which is a word Arsene Wenger uses himself above). This has added up to a ton of lost points by throwing away leads.

2) Lack of clinicality: Arsenal rely on very few players to score their goals. The main locus is Dutch forward Robin Van Persie, who is a superb player. He is, however, extremely injury prone and this has put a dampener on the Arsenal attack ever since France and Arsenal legend Thierry Henry left for Barcelona.

RVP: Injured Marksman

Nicklas Bendtner has not stepped up, Theo Walcott is injury prone too. Their revelation this season has been French-Algerian attacking midfielder Samir Nasri. Captain Cesc Fabregas, their primary playmaker, is also injury-prone. A pattern emerges here: lack of reliability in the fielding of the team. Wenger’s team simply lacks fitness.

3) Lack of mentality: Arsenal don’t seem to have the mentality to dispatch teams and win trophies at the moment. They are a ‘nearly’ team every time, even against one of the most boring teams in the Premier League, Birmingham City.

Basically, I want to either overcome some of these problems, or at least see if they play out in the ‘simulation’ of Football Manager 2011. We can only dream of being football managers and this as close as it gets.

Image via Wikipedia

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkc-feu7LeA#

Pedantic Note: the referencing in this article does not follow any sort of manual of style, is totally lazy and improvised, and yes I do know better. Think of it as ‘free-referencing’, like free verse poetry.

There’s something decidedly odd that only about 10-15 minutes after watching a 48 minute programme, I pretty much know what I feel about it. Channel 4’s Campus was the subject of an on-air pilot in 2009[1]. I found this out by Googling, which is appropriately the subject of one of the best moments in the opening episode: in it, Professor Matt Beer (of English Literature) at Kirke University (the fictional geography of the titular ‘Campus’) is interrupted in a corridor by a student, who asks him for some help. He asks them if they’ve ‘googled’ it, saying that if they can’t then he most certainly cannot: this is a silly interlude which exposes the reliance on technology which academia has. Take a site such as jstor.org or ebsco: these are academic search engines. Or you can just use Google Scholar. Why go to the library and spend forever researching when, in this digital, instant (postmodern?) age, we can just find things at some keystrokes. Furthermore, why not simply take that as a-given and the full picture of it- it’s easier, no? This also plays with the caricature that Professors (specifically Professors, so the trope goes) are ‘mad’, eccentric and are absent-minded.

But did the articulators of Campus mean this as a parody, or a satire? The show is made by much of the same team which made the superb hospital-based comedy Green Wing, basically the ‘British Scrubs’ (although I’d argue it’s so much better than that overly lengthy, soppy and cheesy series which ran for far too long). This shows – I could easily have guessed that either this was emulating Green Wing or that it was made by the same people. First, let me define a key term which may play with your knowledge of English- it’s from the title of this haphazardly written essay: ‘Pastiche’:

“A literary work composed from elements borrowed either from various other writers or from a particular earlier author” (check, Green Wing and other ‘absurd’ comedy- the comedy violence and plethora of sex jokes can be taken from fashionable contemporaries such as The Thick of It and others). “The term can be used in a derogatory sense to indicate lack of originality, or more neutrality to refer to works that involve a deliberate and playfully imitative tribute to other writers” (read all the way to the conclusion). “Pastiche differs from *parody in using imitation as a form of flattery rather than mockery, and from *plagiarisim in its lack of deceptive intent”… I wouldn’t call their imitation of themselves or of others, here, ‘deceptive’ or vindictive. It’s a bit shamefaced in how similar it’s technically edited together.[2]

Campus is full of mashups and pastiches of what seem to be archetypes of modern comedy: the violent, sexually obsessed boss (elements of David Brent of The Office and Malcolm Tucker of The Thick of It – two shows I consider to be fucking amazing), the ne’er-do-well maverick, the depressed bureaucratic employees, the awkward young woman struggling with the burdens that feminist integrity and the first two archetypes’ curveballs (etc.)… all these can be very successfully deployed. Not so in Campus. The only characters I genuinely had any sort of feel for were the awkward Maths lecturer-cum-author, the maverick Lit. Professor (if only because I so am him as a lit student…obviously it’s a Byronic activity to spend half an hour typing out an essay on a piece of TV) and the awkward accountant. But I know very little about them from an episode which focussed very much so on them, and although I was hoping through the utterly tiresome scenes with the Vice Chancellor (a.k.a. ‘over-paid boss of a University destined for a seat in the House of Lords’…at least in real life) and the lecturer who walked around with a Dictaphone, and by far the worst: a failed Literature student/athlete, who’s crow barred in as a seminar teacher by the anarchic Professor to shoehorn in some ‘awkward’ comedy- but it has none of the tension which makes awkward comedy good or successful. Imagine The Office with none of the reality (verging on Hyper-reality…high-five Jean Baudrillard!), none of the suspense or character which makes awkwardness successful. This isn’t a down-in-the-dumps, ‘gritty’, morose awkwardness, like the recent BBC comedy Lead Balloon starring Jack Dee, although that was quite good. It’s simply a ‘oh my god you’re so mad!’ awkwardness.

Let me elaborate. I fucking hate anyone who says “oh I’m mad/crazy/off-my-head” or describes someone else in this way. Ok, maybe I was being totally over the top there- but that’s the point, this is basically the comedic strategy of Campus summed up in a nutshell- take an annoying position, do it in the most ‘loud’ way possible. If I got a laugh out of you there, it’s probably because that annoys you too. Campus rarely seems to work even on that intuitive level where it speaks to our experience. It bypasses all of that.

It’s fine that it’s played it the way it has. It’s the freedom of the creators to envision their comedy in the way it’s played out. But universities are in the UK at the moment ripe for satire- dwindling budgets, expanding numbers, increasing fees, chock full of the usual ‘middle class’ things we want to laugh at and caricature (such as bookishness or social awkwardness). There’s some fine acting in Campus from what I can see. Then again, I’d expect little else from the highly paid (?) profession that is acting. And to be fair the pilot was written ages ago, before all the cuts. But then again you could say that these fears were floating around- I remember reading about them. This is some homework the writers should have done. I’m not demanding a deep, social satire, but just some adherence to the environment the theatre of the show plays out in- because it is so obviously aware it’s a sitcom, it’s self-reflexive and plays with editing and camera work…but to annoying effect. I didn’t laugh much. I laughed most at the clever stuff like I highlighted at the beginning. To go back to Chris Baldick’s definition, Campus is demonstrably…unoriginal. I could elaborate further but I don’t really care that much. Pastiche is awesome. I’ve actually used some of it in this essay- the self-referential call-backs and opening…I like to think that’s a bit more successful and appropriate than Campus’ ‘might as well have been set anywhere’ format.

Know this: universities have been underfunded for many years. This is why top up fees were introduced. With numbers being at record levels, Universities need more funding, not less. There are better ways of raising funds than simply labouring many with debt, or discouraging them totally from entering education and remaining unskilled.

Anyway so I’ve chosen to display here my support!

Yes, that is me. Handsome, political mofo. Credit to Nikki Cooper of KUSU

Fancy a kickabout, gents?

How to not get relegated: a Kickabout with the Gents Guide.

Evening gents…it’s been a long time since I last wrote a column entry- well, written anything. I’ve promised this for sometime now- even before the World Cup (which I will write an article on next, probably, unless Gary Neville’s a twat again and that takes precedence). Now, if you don’t know, I’m a West Bromwich Albion fan- an unfortunate circumstance which means I support the ‘yo-yo club’ of English football for the past…7 years or so. That’s because we keep getting promoted to the Premiership, and then relegated again- we have only survived once, in a record breaking and heart attack inducing ‘Great Escape’- no other team has stayed in the Premier League if they were bottom at Christmas. We dispelled the inevitability of that omen, and saved ourselves from being absolutely drubbed, a la Sunderland and Derby County.

So, unlike most football fans I have an acute experience of promotions and relegations- I’ve seen more than most do in their footballing lifetime. Such is the cost of supporting a team who aren’t dull, dishwater, established and middle-of-the-road team. That’s right- even if this is the kind of excitement that threatens to give me cancer or something: it’s more exciting than being, well, Bolton, Everton, et al?

So- how what things help steer the fate of a season, bribe the gods of football and bring you the heady heights of financing that being in the topflight gives you.

I will at the end of each section be selecting 1 doer, and 1 failer. Give you a clue- the former’s good, the latter’s fucking kamikaze shit.

1)      “Come Correct”

A team’s first season in a new league is like an extended job interview- the second is a honeymoon, where it can still go pear shaped when your club tells you that they have a child, and it’s not yours.

Or signed Jimmy Bullard, you choose

Hull City is a prime example of a team which shaved survival in their first season, and did not survive ‘the difficult second season’.

What do I mean by “come correct”? This is the makeup of your squad. You need to find the right balance- like a cake, or a sexual woman, the proportions need to be right- just the amount of experience, youth, and utter sluttishness to be able to survive the big hard, overinflated cocks that the established clubs wield. Teams have a single summer to adjust themselves to a completely different level- the amount of money put in also doesn’t get expected results. West Brom, for example, in their previous season spent over £20 million in transfer fees; we still got relegated. This was because we spent on mostly untested players, and did not adequately strengthen the areas which most needed to be- the defence and the spearhead of the attack: the focus also was on larger transfer fees with lower wages, at the expense of needed experience. In the January we loaned Mulumbu and Marc-Antoine Fortuné from the French leagues. Suddenly, with the former providing steel (inexperienced steel, but steel nonetheless) and the latter providing link-up play with our midfielders and other strikers up-front, we looked like we may be able to survive. It was too little, too late, and these changes should have been enacted in the summer pre-season. We now have both of these players, and are now reportedly focussing on wages rather than transfer fees.

Indeed, Stoke City stayed up despite being a less effective team in the lower tier than Albion. This was because they could not be bullied off of the ball, and took advantage of fanatical home support: the Britannia is the loudest stadium in the country, which is incredible considering it’s the fraction of the size of larger grounds: Psychology as much as money wins out in football.

Doer: Fulham

Failer: Wigan Athletic

2)       Walls and a Roof.

Yes, that's Wigan's stadium. Oh wait, there's footballers out there, not schoolboys!

Secondly, the club needs a proper structure in order to have hope. This not only includes the stadium (the physical characteristics don’t matter so much, only that the turnstiles turn- Wigan are a prime example of a relegation candidate, having an attendance of below 15,000 at a PL game only a couple of weeks ago- pathetic), but also backroom staff, finances, and a proper coherent plan. Teams have to be ‘ready’. If the first season doesn’t find your weaknesses, the second will- Hull City, Bradford City, Ipswich Town, West Brom, the list goes on. Will Wolves and Birmingham this season join these infamous ranks? Bradford’s setup was so ill-prepared that they massively overspent in their second summer, and now reside on the bottom rung of the football league.

Therefore, it’s not enough to have the field and the requisite players. If you can’t supply more players when needed, or support more, then your club will collapse into debt- and debt is the plan A, route 1, straight-into-the-sun path into obliteration as a club. This is why West Brom have kept returning- because we are well ran. This is also one of the reasons why we probably have not stayed up in the past- but the club’s long-term life is clearly being considered, even if it has the added bonus of benefiting the owner’s pockets at the cost of a few seasons’ happiness. Look at Liverpool and Manchester United (and probably Chelsea in years to come): they only can survive with their debt levels because they are on life-support from their owners, and keep winning trophies. The only reason why they have not pulled a Leeds United and nosedived is because of 1) luck, and 2) reputation, 3) stupid, rich capitalist owners (who kind of caused this mess too).

But you ask the Victorian giants- clubs like Preston North End, Burnley, West Brom, Notts County, Blackburn et al: and they will tell you, time at the top does not last forever. In-fact, in a century WBA could have swapped places with Manchester United. Time will tell.

A deficiency in any of these areas is a serious hindrance to survival.

Doers: West Bromwich Albion, Bolton

Failures: Newcastle United, Blackpool

3)      Hope

Lastly, you need hope. Not just a brilliant structure, or the correct squad, but hope. Teams with the previous two factors in abundance have tumbled- established ones- because they lacked hope and coherence as a unit. It doesn’t matter if you have a team of Christiano Ronaldo, Pirlo, Casillas and Jimi Hendrix- if they don’t work together or play properly, you will not stay up because you won’t be able to win the points needed. This is a more metaphysical factor than the others, which really involve how you set yourself up preseason and in the years prior- this is how you conduct yourself in the heat of battle itself.

Team spirit, whatever you want to call it, it’s needed. This may be down to the management, it may be down to the collective and personal motivations of the players themselves- Leeds United have an infamy for producing petulant assholes on their playing staff, which is why Brian Clough was not able to work his magic at arguably the biggest club he managed. When relegated 2 and a half decades later, they suffered the same problems: overpaid, under-motivated. The same is true of Newcastle United and other teams.

Importantly, however, in the long run (as Fulham perfectly embodied under departed daimyo Roy Hodgson) hope should be transformed into Ambition. But that’s a different article.

This guy can tactically slice your throat open with one look

Doers: Stoke City, Wolves,

Failures: Wigan, West Ham

Predicted relegation candidates: Wigan, West Ham, Blackpool/Bolton

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